The Residence of Evil
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: "Hello, and welcome to the Residence of Evil. Please, leave your luggage in the foyer. A zombie will take it to your room for you."


**The Residence of Evil**

Hello, and welcome to the Residence of EvilWe hope that you'll enjoy your stay in this survival horror...well, not sure if it's survival horror anymore but...um...welcome! We at the Residence of Evil are happy to serve you. If you have any questions, please don't forget to visit our help desk. And remember, ink ribbons are complimentary.

As part of your stay, there's certain rules that you must keep in mind. Rules, and advice, to be specific. While refusal to discuss a certain movie series of the same name is a given, to make your stay all the more enjoyable, please keep in mind the following:

1: Knives are useless. If fighting against zombies, please place your knife in the first storage box you find. The damage is redundant, it has no stopping power, and as our top STARS members have shown, the only way you can possibly use a knife against a zombie is to simply slash at it while standing in place. Unless you're playing _REmake _and use them as self-defence weapons when a zombie grabs you. In which case it is remembered that if you're using a knife against a zombie, it is indeed better to use the knife against their skulls.

Ganados on the other hand are quite sensitive to the knife, and it has the benefit of not taking up a combat slot. This is the result of our "package package," where we adjusted the inventory system to be able to ensure that herbs don't take up the same amount of space as a shotgun. Go figure.

Oh, and use it on the _Starlight _in _Gaiden_. Seriously.

2: Stairs are a health hazard. You should never use stairs unless you're absolutely sure that there are no foes nearby. As we all well know, you can only walk up stairs all the way, or not at all. While we are aware of new technology that has allowed certain individuals to use stairs in the most amazing ways, this is the exception, rather than the rule. Please be aware that if you decide to walk up stairs and find a zombie at the top, we take no responsibility for any bite marks you receive.

3: But if you _do _receive bite marks, we have good news – you won't be infected! We at pleased to inform you that we're treating you as the protagonist, and unless we use a cutscene, no amount of bites, scratches, or anything similar will infect you with a virus. Unless you're an everyday citizen of Racoon City, but who cares? You're our host, and we're pleased to serve. So fear not, you won't become a zombie. And we offer free health spray services for any wounds you might receive.

4: We offer package tours to all the nearby locations – the nuclear wasteland of Raccoon City, the apocalyptic wasteland of Sheena Island, the zombie-infested...actually, we're working on that. But something of note, if you do decide to embark on one of these package tours, please be aware that we take no responsibility for any helicopter accidents. We cannot guarantee that your helicopter pilot will not fly away in fear, be shot down by a police officer, be shot down by Nemesis, be shot down by a Ganado, be infected by a quick-time event, or any other similar mishap.

5: We offer no replacements for your room key. We will not provide guidance for you to find the key if you lose it. You are obliged to remember which key you hold, and which rooms it opens. If your status screen prompts you to throw it away after using it, click "no." If you click "yes," you will be charged a fine. You will be obliged to pay this fine to the residence's merchant. The merchant will address you as stranger. You will not buy anything from him, even if he claims if he has something that might interest you.

6: Pharmaceutical companies are evil. If drug prices weren't proof of this, we now know the truth, that while you can rank in billions of dollars in sales of legitimate medicines, they will always engage in much riskier bio-organic weapons research with only a limited selection of buyers. We are thus obliged to tell you that no medicines will be allowed on the premises. In the event of medical mishap outside the incidents listed above, we offer complimentary homeopathy.

That is all. Again, welcome to the Residence of Evil. We hope you enjoy your stay!


End file.
